Stop Doubting Yourself!

This Thanksgiving, I had the pleasure of making thee macaroni and cheese for our family dinner. [If you’re black, you know that can be a big deal lol.] Everybody and literally they mama (LOLOL) had something to say about me making it. - I have a family full of jokers... 🙃 - Now... if you know me, you know I can cook pretty well. I mean, I'm my mother's daughter, and every year she makes it. And it’s 🔥! So I thought it was only right that I would and could make it as well. While I was cooking, on the day of Thanksgiving, I received the terrible news that someone I used to know had been shot and killed. It's still hard to wrap my mind around and to know that my cousin is suffering tough from it all, hurts me too. I took some time to mourn. But during that time, I thought I may have scorched the noodles and I realized I sat one of the seasoning bottles on the hot burner...

So I was nervous about the macaroni. All of the previous thoughts of what everyone was saying about the macaroni started affecting me. Truth be told, it didn't make me feel good when I originally heard them. But being that I had already heard the terrible news, I was sick, and canceled community serving, I fell into the bad habit of unconsciously allowing everything else to follow suit. Before putting the macaroni in the oven, I tasted it and came to the wavering conclusion that it just needed to cook a little longer. While it was in the oven, I told my mom that I may have messed up the "mac n' cheese". She sighed in disappointment and said, "well bring it on over here so I can doctor it up. Let me see what I can do."

But baby! When I took that mac n' cheese out of the oven... the way that gouda cheese stretched from the dish to the spoon and then the bliss that touched my tongue! Chile... I was so happy lol. I never should have doubted myself. Yes, some bad things happened, and/or I wasn't my 100% best self, but that's when you press and go forth anyway! Everyone was pleased. Apparently, my mom tried to help me out by telling my aunts and grandmother to not go in on me LOL! She said, "I was considering your feelings because I know you can be a little sensitive sometimes." Well thanks, mommy, I appreciate that lol. Oh, and when my grandmother was leaving out the door, she told me, "you can make the macaroni every year." #proudmoment

As I sit here and think about how it all played out, I had to endure some things that I haven't had to ever deal with. I am an empath, which means I can feel the hurt and pain of others and I've also never had to deal with a close death before. But knowing that my cousin is hurting badly and the person that was taken from us, I used to babysit, kinda hurt me a bit too. He was basically like a little cousin. But I had to realize that just because I was hurting from his death, doesn't mean that I have to self-sabotage everything else for the day or after. Push through. Don't act as if everything is okay when it's not but you also don't have to allow yourself to think negatively about everything.

Sooo.... now let's talk about the elephant in the room - Chile, I know I've been MIA for months and I've already done it once before, right after having COVID. But the truth is, I had (and still have) a lot of healing to do. It wasn't just physical healing but mental healing I had to tend to as well. I could and should have been writing about it the whole time but instead, I've been self-sabotaging myself.

I've been telling myself that no one is even interested in what I have to say, I don't know what I'm doing, and/or I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up because to keep a website running is a bill that I didn't intend on adding to my list... But I had to get over myself. And it's still an uphill battle but it's okay because as long as I keep reminding myself and pushing forward past the negative thoughts, then what comes after that God will bless.

Right before I started writing, I was actively worried about how I would be able to pay for the upcoming renewal for the website. I originally opened up my computer to begin writing. But instead, I decided to look on the Wix.com website to see how much it would be to purchase a plan for the next one-two years and how long I had until my current plan ended. I started going down a rabbit hole of counting dollars, looking for coupons...and then suddenly my spirit said, just be consistent first. You've had it for one year already and have struggled to do it. Remain faithful, consistent, and transparent and God will see this through. I wouldn't even be doing this if it wasn't for what God spoke to me last year anyway.

So I was thinking about the quote above from Armand DiMele, "Self-sabotage is the smartest thing you can do if you are sabotaging is a self that is not really you". Instead of "self-sabotage", it should be "flesh-sabotage". Because in essence, that is the part of self that we want to be destroyed! When I decided to not write, I allowed my flesh to rise and take over, rather than my spirit. But no longer can I hide the person I really am. So flesh, you must die!

I've had my share of running - and you know what, all of this may be a part of God's plan. But I'm tired of living as if I am not His daughter, a son of God. I'm tired of living like God didn't give me an assignment. I know that once I pursue the task He has given me, I will begin to flourish and stand as the woman of God He has called me to be. Because I am being changed into His image. I was created in His image! I am a temple of God, His spirit dwells within me. I am chosen and dearly loved by Christ. Inasmuch, I humbly thank God for this opportunity and I will continue what was started as He continues to finish the work in me.

I believe that this is something that is common among people. it's easy to doubt yourself and get swallowed up in that fear. For some odd reason, it's comfortable. But we should realize that God cannot work at His best, if we are comfortable. God likes to show off and reveal who He is and can be for you and others. But He does that through us. So if we're staying in our comfort zone, we've placed God in a box and have restricted Him from moving in our lives.

So I want to know - comment below: Have you been placing God in a box? Have you been doubting yourself on some things that you know God is calling you to? I hope this has encouraged you to let go and allow God to show up for you!